My family and I are blessed to be a part of a gentle,
loving, grace-filled church! Our church loves the stuff out of my family and I!
That doesn’t mean that ministry isn’t incredibly lonely, isolating, sometimes
difficult, sometimes sad.
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Funerals to attend and
perform.
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Widows to meet.
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Conflict to manage.
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Sermons to prep.
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Staff to lead.
The nature of the role is that you are for everyone else.
And when you get home, you don’t get to check out from your family—who also
need you. There are plenty of similarities among the different roles I’ve
served throughout my time in ministry. Senior/Lead Pastoring is still very
different. In 2022, 47% of senior pastors polled stated they were sometimes
lonely; about 18% stated they were lonely all of the time.
Even more, 49% of senior pastors feel like they are supported well within their
contexts.
I can’t emphasize enough how loved my wife and I are. We’re
working (slowly) through some vision and mission changes in our church right now.
The response is overwhelmingly positive.
That is not the antidote to loneliness though. Certainly,
friendship with God must be a thriving component of the pastor’s life.
You won’t survive in ministry without it. Cry out continuously to him (Psalm
27:9-10)! But you also won’t survive without folks who can help you carry the
immovable load of loneliness (Galatians 6:2). Here’s how I’ve looked for and
made time for godly friendship.
Friends Inside Church
This is going to be a faux pas for some in senior
leadership. “You can’t be friends with the sheep.” I’d add a caveat to that:
You can’t be friends with all of the sheep. Without speculating too
much, this may come out of a place to protect the office/role of pastor. Even
more, it may serve to protect oneself from messy relationships that come from
being a leader of sorts to friends. Lines get blurred. Things get said. Roles get
misunderstood. While that may be true with ministry amongst those whom you
lead, doesn’t it also happen in every other kind of friendship you have? Of
course, it does. If this is true for all friendships, why should we not pursue
friendships with those whom God’s charged us to steward and love well?
There are a few brothers that know some significant details
about my life. Not everyone needs to know that. I’ve had to extend trust with a
few to do that. But it needs to be done. Not just as a model for the Christian
life, but just as well for the good of my soul. I need brothers who are in the
thick of it in our current context who have a keen understanding of what goes
on, can pray specifically with me, gently correct—or rebuke if needed. As I’ve
heard a former pastor of mine say: Give them a hunting license to your life.
Friends Outside Church
Some folks only see me as a pastor. That’s not an evil
thing. I’m honored by that. It does mean though that I must be wise with them,
being gentle with them. At the same time, my church isn’t the all-in-all. It
cannot be the central/nexus point of all my relationships. I need to “let my
hair down” around a few others that aren’t connected to my church.
Most of my friends
outside of church are pastors. It is a good thing to not be someone’s pastor all of the time. I’m a member of the Body of Christ. Sometimes I need to be pastored, too! Anthony Bradley spoke to the need for a growing
fraternity amongst clergy.
There’s a helpful group of brothers that I can lean into for encouragement,
wisdom, and challenge in the local area. Some ask how they can pray, how I’m
loving my wife, if I’m losing weight. Just grateful for their friendship.
The only way forward is together. Making friends is one of
the biggest wins I’ve earned this year. The next step is making more time to be with them! I’m grateful to the Lord that He’s
brought faithful men around me to press in, ask questions, keep me honest, and
pursue holiness together.
How are your friendships? Are they healthy? Do you have friends where you're at? Would love to hear from you!
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